Going through a divorce is something that no one is ever prepared for, and the resulting divorce grief can certainly catch you off guard. You might expect to feel relieved or gain more clarity in your daily life, but instead, you are met with waves of unanticipated sadness, anger, or confusion.
Grieving isn’t a weakness. You’ve experienced a loss and a significant change to your present reality. Your nervous system is processing the experience, and the grief that follows is just as real as with any other loss.
What Divorce Grief Looks Like
As with the grief over any loss, divorce grief works on its own timeline, following no clear pattern or schedule. You may feel completely fine one day and overwhelmed the next. Grief can occur over the loss of the relationship, the future you had planned, the person you were in your relationship, changes to friendships and family connections, and day-to-day routines you took for granted.
Divorce grief can also be a physical experience. You may notice:
- Difficulty sleeping or oversleeping
- Changes in appetite
- Physical tension, aches, and pains
- Fatigue even after resting
- Difficulty focusing
The physical responses go hand in hand with any emotional symptoms you may be experiencing.
Creating Space for Your Divorce Grief
Understanding why divorce grief feels so consuming can help you move through it with more compassion and grace. Your brain created a safe space within your partnership, with patterns of connection, shared routines, hobbies, social activity, and future expectations. When those connections are broken, your system goes into full survival mode to protect your well-being.
Healing begins when you embrace your experience. Make space for your emotions. Feeling your feelings doesn’t mean you’re wallowing or stuck in a negative headspace. It simply means acknowledging the experience without passing judgment. Not only is it an empowering step, but it can give you insight into what matters moving forward.
Practical Steps Toward Healing
Regulate your nervous system daily. Right now, your body may need some extra help relearning what safety feels like. Practice calming strategies like deep breathing, gentle movement, or nature bathing to signal to your nervous system that you’re okay.
Maintain structure without rigidity. Stick with your daily routines as much as possible. Maintain consistent sleep habits. Take meals at similar times each day. Practice self-care throughout your week. Allow flexibility and don’t beat yourself up for messing up the schedule on the days when grief feels heavier.
Choose your support carefully. Not everyone can hold space for grief. Seek out people who can listen without trying to fix you or rush your healing process. Therapy or professional services can provide you with a safe space to process the complex emotions that come with divorce.
Don’t believe every thought. Divorce can trigger that critical voice inside your head or send you down a catastrophic thought spiral. It’s not uncommon to replay conversations or imagine worst-case scenarios. However, you don’t need to listen to every thought that comes through your mind. Learn to recognize when this is happening and move your mind onto something else.
Gradually rebuild your sense of self. Before you were in your relationship, who were you? What desires did you have? What interested you? As you enter this next chapter, you don’t have to start over. Build upon where you’re at, bringing in any elements from your past that may have been pushed aside.
When Divorce Grief Needs More Support
If your grief is persistent or if your symptoms are becoming worse, therapy can help. You have options, including EMDR and cognitive behavioral therapy, which can be effective for processing trauma and grief after a divorce.
Online therapy also offers flexible support as you navigate forward and begin building the life you want on the other side of divorce. Contact us to get started.
Our specialists in Divorce
Sonia Zajmi, MS, Ed.S, LMHC, SEP
Author: Jennifer Spencer, PhD, HSPP is the owner of Spencer Psychology, and a licensed psychologist with over 30 years of experience in mental health counseling in Bloomington IN. Spencer Psychology is committed to providing compassionate expert care in-person and by telehealth for Bloomington, the surrounding area and by telehealth for all of Indiana.