Dating takes time. How can you fit dating into your life without causing more stress? If you’re currently single, you’ve probably received plenty of dating advice. “Put yourself out there! “Make dating a priority!” “Don’t let good opportunities pass you by because you’re not getting any younger!”
What do you do when your calendar fills up or your current commitments drain your energy? The thought of adding dating and the effort it takes can feel more daunting than anything else.
Dating requires a decent investment of time and emotional resources. The challenge isn’t just finding an acceptable partner. It’s about creating space in your life for dating activities and sustainable dynamics with a partner.
What Dating Actually Demands
Dating is much more than simply showing up for a date at a designated place and time. A meaningful connection requires you to be vulnerable, emotionally available, open to learning about someone new, and fully present. When work or personal stress taxes your nervous system, you may be physically on a date but mentally checked out.
Your energy bank only has so much space for social engagement, especially activities that require you to be vulnerable. The more you have on your plate, the more internal work you do. Your system will naturally prioritize other things over relationship building.
The Pressure to Make Relationships Work
Current cultural and social norms continue to place precedence on dating and finding your life-long partner. Now dating apps promise to make dating more efficient. You can swipe through possible matches during your lunch break, a commercial break, or even while on the treadmill for your workout.
But when you think about it, it’s still problematic. You’re trying to squeeze the pre-dating work into bits and pieces of open space in an already crammed schedule. You want a connection, but you’re forcing it to fit.
The result may be:
- Rushing through dates
- Not being fully present
- Feeling resentful about time spent, especially after an unfavorable date
- Attracting partners who are just as busy (and maybe less available)
- Canceling plans because you’re too tired
- Going through the motions without true engagement
Creating Sustainable Space for Dating
Instead of trying to force the dating world to fit in along with everything else, consider what you can shift to create genuine space for forming connections.
Assess your current commitments and be honest with yourself. If you’re working 60 hours while juggling additional obligations, your bandwidth for dating will be very different than someone who has fewer responsibilities.
Be mindful of the emotional toll that dating can take. If you’re already navigating high stress or working through another issue, putting yourself out there can be more triggering than fun. You may need to start by regulating your nervous system first.
Set realistic expectations. Your goal for dating should be quality over quantity. Intentional dating will serve you better, especially when schedules are tight.
Integrate rather than compartmentalize. Try to find a way to balance dating in a way that complements your life rather than competes with other priorities. Maybe you meet someone for a walk that doubles as your nightly exercise. Or you can plan a date during a time when you would otherwise be unwinding.
Honor your needs above all else. If you’re going through a major life transition or just have something significant that requires your attention at the moment, it’s okay to put dating on the back burner for the time being. Get through what you need to do first so you can place the right energy into dating.
When You Need Support
If you’re struggling to fit dating into your life, or if past patterns are resurfacing despite your best efforts, therapy can help. You may need to address an underlying nervous system issue or deal with unhealthy attachment styles.
We offer in person or online therapy for individuals navigating dating challenges and relationship patterns to build meaningful connections. Contact us to schedule a consultation.
Author: Jennifer Spencer, PhD, HSPP is the owner of Spencer Psychology, and a licensed psychologist with over 30 years of experience in mental health counseling in Bloomington IN. Spencer Psychology is committed to providing compassionate expert care in-person and by telehealth for Bloomington, the surrounding area and by telehealth for all of Indiana.